Limitless

2019 is crawling through its last hours, and even though these hours are just like any other hours, we as humans mark them with a significance that I cannot shake.

So I’m doing what everyone else is doing and I’m reflecting on the last year, and the last decade, of my life.

In the past 10 years, like most of us, I have experienced incredible highs and lows. At times, my life has felt like the plot of a soap opera with its dramatic devastations and impossible plot twists.

At the start of this decade, I finished my degree with scores in the top 1% of my university, as well as an award from my professional association. I was offered two jobs before I even graduated.

In 2012, I became an Aunty to my favourite person in the world.

I was diagnosed with SLE Lupus in 2013 after months of crippling arthritis, myositis and severe leg weakness, rashes, vasculitis and eye inflammation.

I became a mother in 2014. I carried my daughter for months even though we knew she would most likely die before her life ever properly began. She held on but was born sleeping when I was 6 months pregnant. When I gave birth to her, I lost 3.5L of blood and almost died. After 24 hours in surgery and the ICU, I met my daughter, Mackenzie. When I held her, I discovered a whole new kind of love that I never knew existed. That love was everything I’d ever wanted and it broke me.

I travelled overseas for the first time. I also travelled on my own for 3 months and embraced a different side of life. That trip taught me a lot about myself and showed me that I could still experience joy, even after losing so much.

Between 2015 and 2016, I spent 18 months almost completely bed bound as diseases ravaged my body. I lost 15kg in a month because my body stopped digesting food. My heart rate would reach 150bpm when I sat up and over 200 bpm if I tried to stand. I couldn’t stay upright for more than 10 seconds before I’d collapse. My liver, my spleen and my blood vessels were under assault from my Lupus. The doctors didn’t know when, or if, I’d improve. I moved back in with my parents. My mum cared for me and my 3 year old niece kept me sane. I built my life back up again slowly; I’d exercise in bed, moving my legs in circles like I was riding a bike as I lay flat on my back. I’d occasionally walk to the bathroom and back, or be wheeled in my wheelchair. Those simple activities would leave me incapacitated for the remainder of the day. By 2017, I was more functional. My muscles have never fully recovered and my autonomic nervous system is a mess, but I am now capable of so much more than I was and I appreciate every movement of this body.

I started my own speech pathology business. I subleased an office space and built it from the ground up. Things went well. Things are going well. Through my job, I have met the most wonderful and amazing people from all walks of life. I have celebrated their successes and shared in their hardships. I have made a difference to people’s lives and that holds me up on the hardest of days.

I met my current partner when I least expected it and I fell in love. He’s taught me what unconditional love means. It isn’t always picture perfect; we tackle life’s ugliness together and celebrate the small successes. He’s encouraged me to grow as a person and embrace my individuality. He’s taught me that love doesn’t always say yes and that’s okay.

I collected more autoimmune illnesses. I finally got an insulin pump for my T1D after 25 years of injecting. In 2019, I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure and informed that I’m a carrier of a devastating genetic condition. I learnt that I may not be able to have biological children of my own, even with IVF.

I made plans to start IVF, but then I miraculously fell pregnant. We dealt with weeks of uncertainty before we discovered it was ectopic. I lost it at 7 weeks.

We booked ourselves a holiday to Japan for the new year.

We didn’t always thrive, but we survived and that reassures me that I can handle whatever the new decade throws my way.

I’m not setting any goals for 2020 yet, because I don’t know what I want or need. If you’d asked me a few months ago, I would have rattled off a list of essentials – a successful pregnancy, a child, an improvement in my health. Now I’m not so black and white about it. Those goals feel so distant and I’m not sure whether it’s because I’ve pushed them away in an attempt to protect myself, or if I’m embracing the possibility of life without those things. I don’t want to be defined by those labels – sick, infertile, a childless mother – so I feel as though I’m opening myself up to other possibilities this year. Happiness looks different at different stages of our lives and I’m not limiting myself to where I thought I’d be. Happy New Year 🎉